How to Flash Highway Patrol
by SpellboundWinter
Summary: Karen isn't spontaneous; what else is new? One-shot. ClydexKaren


**Because this is weird. :D**

**ClydexKaren or Karen Clyde.**

* * *

It was the room of some place… The smell of sweat and alcohol lingering in the air. That's where this story started.

Wonderful, we're off to a great start.

It was my birthday and my brother and his girlfriend invited me out for a little dancing and booze. We we're at this little dance club in Denver. I thought it would be fun… but it wasn't. It wasn't my type of music. There were too many people. It was hot and sticky in that tiny, cramped space.

It made me dizzy. It made me claustrophobic.

The sound of laughter and writhing bodies in the mix of a light show, everything about it made me seasick. I stuck to the corner of the bar, sipping my tonic water and praying to leave.

And Kenny just had to bring along that little bachelor friend with him. That chubby pervert!

Clyde Donovan was a real sleazy ball. He kept making passes at me all night and despite the _few_ enjoyable conversations we had, he wasn't impressive. _"Did you fall from heaven baby? Cuz you're hotter than hell." _Yeah, an example of his many skewed pickup lines.

After a night of dancing and drinking, Kenny and Tammy were a little too sloshed to drive. What's the fun in that, honestly? Getting so drunk that you can't tell your head from your toes.

So fun.

I'm glad to be away from that place and I'm glad to be going home.

The two were silent in the back seat. At least they stopped trying to dry hump each other. That was getting awkward.

Clyde tugged at the wheel, taking another turn into the downtown traffic. He had a few drinks but not as much as the two in the back. Anyways, I didn't drive at night. I'd rather take my chances with Clyde. Clyde... driving… Yeah.

I was staring out the passenger window, watching lamp posts whip by in a blur. Isn't the speed limit fifteen in rural area? Or was it ten?

"Hey," Mr. Chubs spoke up, elbowing me in the side. I craned my neck and glared at him. "You have fun tonight?"

I wanted to say, 'hell no! Especially with your fatass hitting on me all night!' but instead I said, "It was okay."

"How does it feel to be twenty-one now?"

I shrugged simply. "Okay."

He cleared his throat. It almost reminded me of Kenny when he was going to ream me out about doing right from wrong. "Kare-bear, lemme tell you something right now."

I scowled at him sinisterly… Nobody calls me that ridiculous nickname. Strike one.

"You gotta be more… I dunno, fun and spontaneous."

I was sure I was giving one of my, 'shut your mouth before I sic Mysterion on your ass,' looks. And two, I'm sure that was an insult.

"You didn't even attempt to dance once the entire night. Hell, you didn't even drink and you're legally allowed to now, remind you." The hottie- I mean, tub of lard shook his head, disgraced with my non-slutty antics. "I thought you'd be a bit more like Tammy to be honest."

Okay, that _was_ an insult.

"I was enjoying the music," I turned up my nose, my arms crossed against my chest. "Just because I'm twenty-one doesn't mean I need to drink. Also, just because I'm out and I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm expected to grind on strange men."

"Huh, do you hear that?" He placed a hand to his ear. I even stopped for a moment to listen. "I hear a _chicken_! See, you're not spontaneous. You're a scared little girl." Tubby started to laugh, pinching my cheek.

Insult number four.

I slapped his hand away. I was going to bite it but I wouldn't want to be infected with his fatness. Can you tell I do not like this guy at all? "I can be spontaneous, just as long as I'm in my own comfort zone. Clubbing is not a 'safe place,' you know?"

"Spontaneous…? Is the definition perhaps predictable?" he prodded.

I started to grind my teeth together vigorously. I was getting sick of Clyde shit. "Fine, what do you want me to do to show you otherwise? Let's humor you for just a brief moment."

Clyde's eyes glinted and his smile got even wider. Please don't say sleep with hi- I mean, Jesus Christ… I'm tainted! My brain! My actions! Everything about that cute, innocent baby McCormick destroyed by Ruby Tucker. Is nothing sacred?!

"Why don't you… Flash these guys over here?" Clyde's finger pointed to a bunch of younger men stumbling to their cars. Completely sloshed as well.

"_What_?!" I nearly screeched, causing the two in the back to stir. "I will do no such thing!"

"Ha, I knew you wouldn't do it," he snorted. "Spontaneous my ass."

Gosh darn it! I'm not a baby. I'm fun! I'm exciting! I can be just like Kenny. Wild, fun and spontaneous. Just you watch Clyde!

Clyde's eyes got wide like dinner plates as I slid off my seatbelt, rolling down the window. "Hey you!" I shouted out, readying myself. My fingers tangling around the rim of my sweater and Clyde slowed the bronco.

A few heads turned my way. I felt as nervous as the time when I was the happy little sun as a kindergartener.

I was supposed to be the sun that warmed all the tulips and made them grow. I forgot all my lines and the happy little sun nearly wet her pants!

Stage fright is somethin' else. I don't like being put on the spot.

My throat got tight and my hands froze up. What the hell was I doing?! I was doing something weird and pervy that Clyde demanded I do. I flopped back in my seat, placing the seatbelt back on with a snap.

Clyde's shocked expression was replaced with a smug smirk. "Told you, Kare."

I pouted with a little huff, scooting back in the uncomfortable bench seat. "I can be spontaneous." I was so tired. I needed sleep. Sleep was important. Sleep is like my husband; no… my bed is my husband. I let my head fall onto on his shoulder with a small yawn. "See?"

Before I knew it, his arm reached around me, holding me close. It felt nice. He was warm and fluffy. I liked that. That tub of butter grease was worth something after all.

My eye lids fluttered shut for almost a whole second. Then, the next thing I knew had Clyde brought the bronco to a stop and parked on the side of the highway, shutting off his lights with a flick of a switch. I thought he had to piss or something. "Come on Kare-bear." He called after me.

"What? Are we home?"

The football player didn't say anything. Instead, he just got out, shutting the door with a tiny squeak. With curiosity piqued, I followed him.

We continued out into the thick weeds and snow, leaving the bronco.

"Are we going to watch the stars or something?"

Clyde shuffled out of his college letterman's jacket, gesturing to the road. I had to say, with that jacket on, he was real handsome.

I took a step forward and before I knew it my sweater was above my head and the cold night air assaulted my stomach. Clyde was trying to strip me! I elbowed him roughly, shoving him away. "What the fuck Clyde?!"

He brought a finger to his lips with his eyebrows furrowed. "What? I thought it would be good practice. Just flash the highway. There doesn't have to be a car there." He nudged me with another dazzling smile. "Hey, I'll do it with you if you want."

"Clyde, you really are drunk." I spat.

"Spontaneous."

That was all he said and it was enough to send me into a rage. "If I do this will you stop teasing me?"

"Sure. I got your safety blanket right here." He wiggled the football jacket in front of my face.

To do, or not to do?

Eh, what do I have to lose? My pride? My dignity? Showing my breasts to a fat pervert?

Yes, all of those.

I brought my sweater over my head and unclasped my bra. With my arm covering my chest, I held out my garments to Mr. Chubs with the other. And boy, Clyde looked like he struck jackpot or something. I swear, for guys every time they see a boob it's like the first time all over again.

He grinned, snickering. "Alright, since the highway is quiet… why don't you run to one side and then run back?"

Are you serious? He probably wants to see some boob action. Pervert. This was so childish. "You'll turn away, right? Promise?"

"Yeah, promise." He waved me off. "Go already!"

I took off across the highway, jogging and lifting my arms up like some kind of freak. The wind was cold and it made my body erupt in goose bumps. And my face was stinging from how hard I was blushing.

I saw the long white line and I smiled. Yes! All I had to do was run back.

Just as I was about to cross the highway again, headlights got brighter and brighter.

Oh shit.

_Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! _

I held my breasts tightly as I ran across the road and darting into Clyde's chest like it was home base. At least he got serious and wrapped the jacket around me tightly.

The car slowed…

…To the side of us.

Oh god, please not a cop car…

…The window rolled down…

I could feel my heart in my throat. I'm too young to get charged with indecent exposure! I could feel myself trembling as I buried myself farther into Clyde.

A few men stuck their heads out of the sedan before hooting and hollering. They gave a good honking from their horn before speeding off.

I've never felt so embarrassed in my life. I held the jacked around my shoulders, leaning into Clyde's little embrace… thing. I kinda liked it.

"Uh… I'm sorry Karen," He heaved a loud sigh, blowing a few locks with his breath. "That was kinda stupid."

"Actually, it was fun." I turned from him again, trying to hook my bra. I hate these things so much! I can never put them on with a simple click.

"Really? You kinda looked like you were having fun… until the whole car thing…" he cleared his throat. "See? I didn't make a move or nothin'… Oh, need me to help you put on your bra?"

At first I thought he was being sincere and then he added the whole bra bit.

"Yeah, I need a hand with it." I giggled a little naively.

Clyde fiddled with it for at least five minutes. Heck, I could have done it faster. But, who's complaining? Without even thinking, I placed the sweater in a ball on my hip as I wrestled myself into the lettermen's jacket.

"This is mine now." I said simply, zipping it up so far. Hey, what can I say? I kinda like seeing Clyde's 'jackpot' face.

That and I kinda like Clyde. He's got a certain style to him. Sleazy kind. Spontaneous.

I really didn't want to go home. Just when I was kinda having fun. I leaned up on my tip toes, yanking fatty to my lips. It was a simple peck. It wasn't like I was trying to choke him with my tongue. I parted from him, purring. "How's that for spontaneous?"

The next thing I knew, his lips were crushed to mine and I was nearly grounded into the side of the bronco…

…What…?

I had no idea what was going on in my brain. I guess I was going to prove him that I was spontaneous. Impulsive. Unpredictable.

…or something.

He chuckled, teasing with the zipper of the jacket. "What would Kenny think if he saw you kissing on me like this?"

"I don't think he'd be happy." I rolled my neck while he peppered his way down. My fingers entangling in his hair and my vision was hazy. "W-why don't I go home with you tonight? I'll show you mine… if you show me yours."

Clyde bit at the exposed flesh, murmuring. "I'd love that."

What I didn't know is that the bronco's backseat door opened. I should have known when I saw something orange in my peripheral vision.

Instead we just continued on casually, kissing and fumbling around. Completely unaware. I let out a louder giggle, gripping his wrists as he pressed further under my bra into uncharted land. "Clyde! Stop groping my boobs like they're sandbags already!"

"But Kare-bear, these are amazing! What are you? C cup?"

I heard someone clear their throat and both of our heads snapped to the 'mysterious person'.

It was none other than Kenny, and he had a not-so happy look on his face. His eyes darting back from me, with a leg curled around Clyde's waist and to the chubby football player with two hands inside of the jacket.

I couldn't tell if he was going to pounce on Clyde and beat him to death or scold me.

I uttered a small, "Um… It's not what it looks like?"


End file.
